History bites back!

I wouldn't believe it even if I tell u.

It's basically got something to do with my memory. The hypnotherapy they did have since faded off so I can suddenly remember everything from my past.

They took 10 yrs to get me over my self blame issue over my parents death & they did well to turn me into a jovial happy girl thru hypnotherapy - something like hypnotizing me to not feel the emotional pain of my loss.

Unfortunately the memory was unlocked somehow starting last week.

I became this hurt girl again from the time when I was 9yrs old. When I was fresh in Australia and abused by everyone in an orphanage in Australia.

You can imagine how tough it was for my husband to see me hating Australian all over again. I sleep walk and sleep talk literally to what I was traumatized about and my husband literally re-lived what I went through. Almost every night.

The lack of sleep plus the gruesome memory made me a different person.

Gucci (my friend) was complaining abt this and that. I just stared at her, thinking "is she for real?!! Does she know how bloody lucky she is?!? Complaining like no tomorrow about something which is not even a problem to many! Does she want to know what a  real problem is??!!! "

FIRST WORLD ISSUES!!!

So what happened after that? When she didnt stop complaining, something took over me. The usual me would smile and agree with her and be the good friend that I am. I would let her frustration out and just nod. But no, I was tired (of everything I guess), I have my own issues... A rich woman's issue is soooooo lame to me at that moment!

So I did what I did to my husband. I told her the cold hard truth. The truth is not exactly the nicest to hear. The truth hurts most times. I spared no emotions in telling her how the issue can be solved. I spared no mercy at all.

Why would I?! I was a wounded lion. And hearing a rhino complaining about a toothache while I have an open wound, of course I would pounce and attack!!

I was quiet on the way to the hospital and I told my husband not to come. I puked 3 times before session even begins.

I was nervous.

I was happy ( coz I wouldn't be wounded after that) I was sad ( coz those memories were apart of me and it'll depart away from me... Like a piece of me .. Gone ... Till it recurs again) I was angry (why it has to happen to me) I was disappointed (by the number of people I've pissed off for telling the whole truth)

My regular doctor wasn't there but he was so nice that he remembered  6 yrs ago when he did my session, he gave me a tub of Ben & Jerry while he was easing himself into my mind.

While he's not in town, he makes sure his replacement came in with a tub of Ben & Jerry & my file tucked under his arms. I thought that was sweet. I felt at ease that he genuinely cares.

So I spent the last 2 hours in a sub conscious world. Almost like I'm a dream. Now it's locked again, I don't think I'll be sleep walking, re-enacting what happened in my past or cry at the weirdest time anymore.

I'm also more aware that its nobody's fault that I had my past. It made me such irresistible person that I am now Hahahahaha. !

Gucci haven't spoken to me since our talk. At this point, I'm questioning a lot of things in my life.

Last night I said I need to change something. 

One bestfriend , I planned to let go so his wife doesn't kill him. ;) I don't really like the idea since I now have to kill him since he knows a lot of my secret!! Just kidding.

And Gucci probably is a little too opposite of me to really compliment my potential in life as a friend. So I'll put up a post tomorrow and see who is free to come for interview to replace these two bestfriends of mine.

U like my idea so far? Hahaha

PS: This was written a year ago. Just noticed it wasn't published. Publishing it now. 

Missing my past life ...

Who am I? Too many times I wonder where I would be in life if I didn’t change my friends, my lifestyle, etc. 

A long time ago, I frequent a cafe with my friends back then. One day an old man whom I noticed been there every time I was there told me something strange 

“Young lady, you are meant to be something bigger than this. Don’t waste your time. These so called friends are an obstacle for what you really can be.  They do not support progress and instead you degress to be at their level … just to be their friends. You are who you hang out with and I can say with experience that you are definitely hanging out with the wrong friends.”

How did I react? I thought he was just crazy. I went home that day and surprisingly i was genuinely thinking over the things he said. The next day, I found out i got accepted into one of the best company at that time. But it was in another town.  I went to my friends to make the announcement but I was welcomed by a solemn greeting. They were not happy for my success. They questioned my friendship and if I would leave town and sacrifice them for a fantastic job. They made me feel so guilty. As if I was a bad person. My happy news was dampened quickly. 

That night, I thought things through. We didn’t have handphone back then (though I’m not that old yet ;) ) . I called them one by one on a public phone telling them that I was leaving town for the job. Most of them hang up… 

I didn’t give up. I was sure that our friendship would live the test of time and distance. I continued writing to them (yes, letters! I swear I’m not that old!) I came back every off time I got. And it was only when I broke up with my boyfriend I realised that there wasn’t any worth of this friendship. They didn’t like the idea of me breaking up and wanted me to stay with him even though he has been cheating on me. That was when I realised that maybe they are indeed not true friends. I left. 

That was 2005. I went on life without real friends for 2 years. . I am very sociable in nature so making friends are not a real problem but I don’t trust people that much anymore and I didn’t let anyone close to me. 

It’s 2014 now. I found myself searching for them on Facebook. Seeing their pictures, their weddings that i missed, their babies, their lives. And the strangest thing was that the ones who weren’t there for them through thick and thin were there for their wedding and I wasn’t. A little heavy stone fell straight to the bottom of my heart. One side of me want to contact them to say hi.  They probably will not appreciate seeing me. 

I left. For good reasons. I felt betrayed and I know that I wouldn’t go anywhere with them in my life. I know I wouldn’t grow as a person and I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t be able to reach the peak of my career like I did. Today, I can say I live a financially free life. I have everything I need. A car, a boat, a nice house in front of the sea, kids, a wonderful husband, very loyal friends around me … I really am grateful for what I’ve got around me now.  It didn’t come easily. I worked hard to climb the corporate ladder till I reached the top and had no where to go. Then I build a company. Mould it into a successful one, sell it. Started another one. So on and so forth. 

I also do a lot of charity and volunteer job so before you label me a snob rich brat, I have you know I am probably the most humble one you have ever known.  Should I contact them?